family time

We went to my parent's house for Turkey day and our oldest daughter's birthday. I never seem to remember how much I'd like to drink when around my family.


My mother and sister have health problems that cause pain as do I. We all end up in foul moods and gripe at each other. When it's just me and mom we can joke and understand each other, however my sister just gets meaner. She complains about everything and hates everything that happens. She can't stand background noise that doesn't come through clearly and hates when people talk to each other and she cannot understand the words. She bitches about whatever I do, even when trying to help her. She criticizes my parenting skills, even though she has no children of her own. 


No matter what I do I feel that I cannot be good enough for them. I feel I failed miserably at life. I always leave them feeling that no matter how hard I try I can never be as good as they expect me to be. The grades and comments I get from teachers don't matter. The love my husband and daughters show me doesn't mean I'm a good wife and mother. 


I want to be able to visit my parents without feeling stresses and worthless. I want to not have to be compared to an ideal that no one else reaches either. I want to be able to take it easy and not have to serve others when I'm in this much pain. I hurt a lot, but my pain doesn't matter when I'm around them.

Homework

I realized that today is Sunday, tomorrow assignments are due and new ones will be given. I thought about it an realized I hadn't done any homework since Thursday. Then I checked and it was all done already. I wonder how some people have difficulty getting their work done on time when I have so much free time. Am I just better at time management, or am I smarter to the extent that it just comes easier to me to get it done. 


Maybe IQ tests need to be rethought. Maybe they need to include multiple intelligences more. 


Saturday evening was our group's Thanksgiving. For the last 7 years we have gotten together to do a dinner together. Our gatherings have reduced to the point where it's the only time we can actually get together. We have separated over the years due to school, jobs, moving, marriages, children. We have taken different paths in our lives, but we still immensely enjoy each other's company. We are trying to find excuses to get together more often. My husband is working on D&D scenarios so we can have a weekly game. We need something to keep us together. I suck at meeting new people and finding ways to socialize. Maybe my husband and I should get a weekly baby-sitter and go to the gaming shop's weekly D&D night instead of creating our own. 

Expected Routine

When I started classes this fall and my husband took the semester off because there were no classes he needed we decided he would just stay home taking care of the girls and doing housework so I could focus on my classes. We agreed that he would keep the toys picked up, the laundry done, and dishes would be washed. This hasn't been happening. To be fair he is recovering from gastric bypass surgery so he does need to take it easy. But it isn't fair to me that I am doing classwork, housework, and staying home all but two mornings a week to care for the kids when he gets to play on the internet all day and go to a friend's house to play with their model train set a few nights a week. Its like he gets the advantages and I get the work. 


He does take care of the kids and keep them out of my hair when I am focusing on doing an online test, but most of the time when I'm trying to study they can walk in and play, and he does nothing about it. This is a our jobs right now and I feel I am doing most of the work. He agrees that he needs to do more, but the action only lasts a day before a return to the status quo. 


He knows that I can't do it alone and he needs to help, but when it comes to actually doing it he doesn't have the motivation to get up and do anything. 


Today I went to the kitchen to make supper for me and the girls, I saw the sink full of dishes. I thought about leaving them and asking him to load the dishwasher when he got home, or texting him to ask him to do it. I then realized that if I attempted either it would result in no action. No matter how many times I ask he won't change. I loaded the dishwasher myself and scrubbed down the sinks. I'm fairly certain he won't even notice when he gets home. 

The end is near

Today I picked up my last ever (hopefully) student loan check. I say this because I am graduating from college in December and then I will try my best to find a job that I can stand and pays enough.

I definitely enjoyed college a lot more this time around. I got much better grades, learned more, feel more confident in my skills, and have been successfully medicated the whole time. I think it's the meds that have been the biggest difference.

If I had to do it all over again I would do this major the first time and have spent the last decade working in an office or doing IT work. But, I can't go back and do it again, so there's no point worrying about it. Only working toward a better future.

I ordered some pretty yarn for a scarf. Will post pics as the yarn arrives and as I work on it... maybe even modeling it when it's done. Black and purple is definitely my favorite color combination.

Ah homework, getting a little done every day and  it's getting less and less until the end of the semester. It will be over soon, then maybe I can move on to something creative, challenging, and doable.

I've found I like challenges. Facing a problem and working to find a solution. It's a rush to finally get the answer and to see everything work. It's fun when my husband and I can work on a problem together, debating possibilities to find the correct one. Maybe we can get hired as an IT team or start a repair business that is successful enough to pay our bills.

Nerdity

This blog is, by nature just my thoughts and opinions. If you quote me, be warned, it is just my opinion and any facts should be checked as they may not be the way the rest of the world sees itself. I have spend countless hours quickly switching among knitting, Facebook, twitter, news, and random Googling of whatever catches my interest. I often catch myself holding my needles and yarn in the middle of a stitch to check something online. I often wonder if anything I am doing is important to anyone but me, but then it really doesn't matter as the important thing in life is to live it. I dislike anyone who tells others how to live, not that I dislike the person for themselves but I dislike their opinion that they have the right to tell anyone else what to do. How would those people like it if someone told them what they do is wrong or someway horrible. Would they change their beliefs just to satisfy the opinions of others? Or would they be offended at the implication that what they feel is right, isn't. 


I keep thinking that I should modify my appearance to make myself look more like is expected of me. I know it isn't the most important thing in the world, but appearance does count for more than it should. I keep wondering if I shouldn't wear makeup more, get my nails done, make sure to dress to cover my tattoos, make sure I keep my hair done and in normal colors, ensure my piercings all match and are not too distracting. I know I should dress for the job I want to have, that being a professional office job, though I need to find a way to express myself though those limitations. It isn't that difficult to wear the colors I like and to wear the jewelry I like because nothing is that extreme. I just need to find a workplace that values my skills over my idiosyncrasies.